Every since I was a teen, working for groups like Doctors Without Boarders was something I really wanted to do. The whole idea of helping people instead of myself really appealed to me. I couldn’t think of any other life. It is a very strong and power feeling.

I am back in high school getting my credits to go into nursing. It isn’t going very well.

I knew there were going to be struggles, as it always has been for me. Things are just looking very bad.

That feeling I mention above, has always been a motivator and has helped me keep going. Fight all odds. However, the past month or so, I seem to have lost that feeling, that feeling that I have had for at least six years. I have been trying very hard to remember that feeling. I need that feeling to help keep going. Yet I can’t find it anywhere.

I made a promise to myself that if nursing didn’t work out, I would go to art school. Though I like doing art, my heart was always going for nursing. Now art school seems sort of appealing to me. I am not imaging myself working overseas as a nurse, I am seeing my self being a successful animator, or a script writer (even though my grammar sucks).

I use to think “if I was on my death bed after living so and so life, how would I rate my happiness?” The nursing dream always rated really high. I kind of thought about being an animator as selfish. Now that I think about my death bed after being a successful animator, it has no feeling, as does the nursing.

Sorry that this post has rather confusing. I am just really confused and lonely. I am lost without that feeling, motivation, the thrill. I am kind of scared.